If that was your dad, he is hot
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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