how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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