he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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