I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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