waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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