how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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