I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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