why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
