I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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