Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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