1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
