Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
