It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
