I showed him my bush... on skype.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
