I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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