Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
There r osticjed everywhere
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
