Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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