i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
