i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize