I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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