walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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