I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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