I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
