the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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