What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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