I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
