I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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