somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I'm really busy with my period
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