I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
