Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
