She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
