Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
