Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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