I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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