I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
