The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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