So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
