Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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