u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
