So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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