i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
he thought i was a dude.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
