Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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