I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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