From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
