Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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