thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize