I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm getting married
To pizza
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
