a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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