i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize