my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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