And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize