The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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