I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
In America we eat man semen.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
