I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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