Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
