Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
