do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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