Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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