what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
