I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
