the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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