I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
