weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
